Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Only on Christmas...

Well hello there boys and girls, it's your old pal Dirty CARL here to wish you a very happy holiday on this stupid, piece of shit day we call Christmas. Now, I know what you're thinking... "Carl, how can you say that about Christmas? It's the birthday of baby Jesus!" Not the religious type? Ne neither. Maybe you're thinking "Carl, Christmas time is a time for families to be together and exchange gifts. It's the one day where everyone puts their differences aside and remembers how much they love each other."

If you're thinking that, then you've hit the nail on the head, which coincidentally sends it through a hand, which in turn drives it into a crudely fashioned cross. Am I going to Hell? Certainly folks!

Anyway, this is the second Christmas where I find myself wishing I was hanging from a tree because I don't get to spend it with my children. It's the second Christmas that I get to depressedly stare at the pile of gifts that I bought for them and sink into this completely blackened muck of a state of mind.

Don't worry too much though. I'm like a cockroach. Nuclear blasts can't stop the kid.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Dirty Carl Show Vol. 25

Hi'ya folks! You'll know what to do from here.
Dirty Carl Show Vol. 25
Track list in the comments.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Today's Yum!

Say no at first... but I dare any red blooded, 'hated by bro's male' to deny the fact that if you were having a shitty time anywhere... and this showed up... station wagon, with wood panel and all... that you wouldn't tell your friends that you were in love?

Yeah, I noticed the defnined chin.
Where else will your balls fall so comfortably?
Think gentlemen... think.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

This is dedicated...

... to a lot of ladies. But like Highlander...

Monday, October 22, 2012

Mastabeta - Drive train


Hello to all of you. This includes my vintage readers as well as my newer friends. I picked today to write a message to you. I'll begin.

I guess the first thing I should do is address the reason I haven't made this site a free for all download spot in a long time. Simply put, I'd love to spend more time uploading and sharing my ass off, but as luck would have it, my outside of the internet life needs a great deal of attention and at the end of the day I simply don't have the energy to lift a pencil, much less scour the record bins trying to find that rare 60's garage stomper "Baby likes leather" by Alfred and the Nubile Chums.*

That's not to say that I won't drop a little gem here and there. For close to a year and a half I've been wetting myself over this mixtape series I've been doing called The Dirty Carl Show. I hope you folks have taken advantage of the series. I for one enjoy them when cocktailling.

As always, I'm true to you. I hope you dig what I'm doing and I also hope that you look both ways while crossing the street. Cars. They hurt.

Anyway, keep riding your bikes, loving your women, telling the truth, staying fed, and giving it your best shot!


*Not a real band

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

My favorite guy from World War Z

Paul Redeker/Xolelwa Azania: Designer of the Redeker Plan; the public pictured him as a heartless man, although this is still being debated on. Called an angel and a devil because of his plan, seeing as he was willing to sacrifice thousands to save the human race. Many members of the South African government opposed his plan but were convinced after Nelson Mandela embraced Redeker stating that "This man will save our people." Subsequently went insane and began living under the identity Xolelwa Azania.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Segall Eaters hate kids

Ty Segall and Seth Hutton of Useless Eaters 7" on Nashville's Dead records. Wowsers, man!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Dirty Carl Show Vol. 24 - Beasts.

                                            Click here for Dirty Carl # 24

Okay folks, Carl is a drunkard. Yep. Now that that little hidden fact is blown for cover, I'd like y'all to cocktail heavily to this. It's Dirty Carl # 24 and it's guaranteed to have you looking for your socks once they've been thoroughly rocked off.

You could be alone, but it's better if you ain't. You don't wanna waste all that ridiculous dancing alone, do you?

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Break out your old cassingles, baby!

I heard about this from some fellow music appreciators at MESSMEUP. Not a bad idea considering cassettes are popular right now and some releases are cassette only. It seems a little bulky, but I don't know anyone who complained about their Walkman.

Read about this shit...


Where is the ass and the tits.

Nowhere is where, bro.
Just imagine the moment portrayed.
You'll get your smile.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

I like bikes!

Golden State

My Kitchen

Her name is Meg.

It's gonna be a hipster winter.

This isn't the normal thing I write about, but this weekend at Target you'll be able to pick up these limited edition Warhol soup cans as a tribute to his (easy money) 32 Soup Cans installation. Something tells me that a whole lot of cats will have these as decoration in their lofts, studios, flats, and cardboard boxes. Well, maybe that last bunch would be more inclined to eat what's in the can.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Fuck you. Hip Hop ain't dead.

JJ Doom - Guvnor

I'm so happy to see that some folks have no idea what's popular and just continue to do what they know how to do. MF... thank you very much.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Videos of the week!

Spinal Tap - Gimme some money

Evil Dead 2 - Eye pop!

LSD Experiments

Morrissey - I want the one I can't have

The Story of Earth Girl Helen Brown

Every once in a while a record will come out that bowls me over. Usually these types of records aren't very good, but they have a certain something that tickles me. Story of an Earth Girl by Earth Girl Helen Brown is one of those albums.

It's not even a real record. It's not even a real band. I mean, yeah, it's a human being with breasts and a vagina singing and a flesh and blood backing band supplying the back beat...

In reality, Helen Brown is really Heidi Alexander of the Sandwitches joined by Sonny Smith and Co. This was probably a one off project, but I sure hope not.

There is a song called Hit after Hit on this album that makes me feel... well, sultry as Hell and that ain't no easy task my friends.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Sunday morning yum!

I'm marinating some pork chops. I'm starving. Too bad it's a dinner for one. I'm feeling physical this morning.

And here's a personal thought worth sharing... I no longer find blonde women horrible. In fact, they catch my eye quite a bit these days. Blame it on April's showers. Blame it on LA. 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Dirty Carl Show # 23

Hey there knuckle draggers, it's me... your old pal Carl. I don't have a great deal to tell you, but for the sake of conversation...

I killed a man last night.

Enjoy The Dirty Carl Show Volume # 23. It's a rocker for those dog day afternoons. Just click the link and get out of the stink!

1. Doctor Fine - Bob Seger System
2. Death trip - JT. IV
3. New connection - Useless Eaters
4. You've no idea - Charlie and the Moonhearts
5. Pantyhose - Epsilons
6. Slave - The Germs
7. Sex beat - Gun Club
8. Can't sleep - John Wesley Coleman III
9. Drill - Oblivians
10. Carol Anne - Thee Oh Sees
11. Nike a go go - Misfits
12. Be a caveman - Ty Segall
13. Pain - Upholsterers
14. Tight squeeze - Useless Eaters
15. Plump righteous - King Khan & BBQ
16. Ain't no woman - The Flies
17. Higher - The Memories
18. Green balloon - White Fence
19. No sugar mama - Von Bondies
20. Call me - Reigning Sound
21. You're doing it with her - Rhetta Hughes
22. You made a believer out of me - Ruby Andrews
23. Back End - MF Doom
24. The loner - Mastabeta
25. If I didn't care - Tiny Tim (outro)

Monday, July 23, 2012

Is this a good idea?

Or is it a "free rape" pass if she forgets to fill it out and the cabbie's a degenerate? Without a doubt.

Bad idea. Also a good idea (if the cabbie is swell and harmless). Not the rape part, asshole.

If you ever rape someone you deserve a dick chop that every scimitar in the land will be jealous of. If a girl wants to fuck you, she will and she'll know pretty early on. No amount of flowers, sweet poems, or money will change her mind unless she's a soulless fly trap. Who wants that anyway? Even if she does have a great ass...

There's no one like... me. I think?

I think this was dedicated to me on a liquor filled evening. I mean, there was a finger being pointed at me and some lip synching. :)

But basically it was just a drunk girl singing.

Either way... good song.

Ty Segall. Yeah!

If you are a complete turd, I would understand if you didn't recognize this name. Fine. I get it... there are folks on Earth who are so out of the loop that they'd recognize some random blogosphere rapper before knowing about Rock N' Roll.

Disappointed? Hell yeah, but it don't stop the mission.

If I could sum up Ty Segall in ten words:

Remember what Jack White did for you a while back?

Sure, he ain't got the same swagger... White was blues and Segall is surf, but shit... the snarl is there in a big way and since nobody has even come close to floating the S.S. Dirty Carl in a bit, Ty does it masterfully.

Do yourself a favor... after hearing this, go out and PURCHASE everything he's made. Jack is listening undoubtedly.

WEIRD MISPLACED TIP: Listen to more Belle and Sebastian. It's good for the mind, body, and soul.

Thee hounds of foggy notion

With a bit of inspiration from fellow music nerd "C" (who made me revisit a few other Oh Sees records), I spun this record a few times this week and I've got to say... mornings go better with John Dwyer.

I absolutely can't front on this guy. He puts out 6000 records a year and makes sure the artwork is solid and the vinyl has good colors. Not only that, but he always shouts out his pals.

It's like the closest thing to having a Rock N' Roll pope.

On this record, and if you've never heard it... you're probaly an asshole... O.C.S. take it down about, fifty notches and the end product is definitely pleasing.

Please go out and buy this record because it comes with a DVD of all the performances on the album. It's worth the price of admission for Brigid Dawson's teeth. So crooked... so beautiful, let's kiss!

That's her pictured up there. Yum!

Tonight's yum!

I'm not much in the mood for wild, drunken sex this evening. I mean, I wouldn't say no or anything like that. I just want to have a cocktail or four with someone who's down to earth... and loves to make out. Hee hee.

The sweet lass above has that look. Well, appearances can be decieving and this might be an image of a spoiled dominatrix riding home after beating a mans balls with a patent leather heel. Who knows?

Be advised: Things are slow while I process yet another round of "back to square one" However, there's a new Dirty Carl peeking around the corner. It's looking at you and it has a lot to say about you too. Oh, snap!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Having a heart is definitely bad for me...

Brendan Benson - Bad for me

Well here it goes again
Another losing streak
Guess I'm on a roll
I haven't got a chance 
I'm too weak
She sucks my soul
And this St Christopher 
That hangs around my neck
Has got to be a fake
'Cause I crash every time
The same old wreck
The same mistake
And I make a mental note so I don't forget
A little reminder of what hasn't happened yet
Well maybe she's bad for me
But I don't care to see
'Cause what I want and what I need
Are the same to me
In the end

And there is a voice in my head saying no
But my mouth says yes
I should stop I know but I really wanna go
it's okay I guess

And I've played with fire so many times before
Guess I'll never learn
Just like an addict I keep coming back for more
Come to love that burn
And I make a mental note so I don't forget
A Little reminder of what hasn't happened yet

Well maybe she's bad for me (Bad for me)
But I don't care to see
'Cause what I want and what I need (What I need)
Are the same to me

Well maybe she's bad for me (Bad for me)
But I don't care to see
'Cause what I want and what I need (What I need)
Are the same to me

There is a feeling that I get deep in my gut
But I pay no mind
Instinct out of sync but so what 
Love is blind 

And I make a mental note so I don't forget
A Little reminder of what hasn't happened yet

She's gonna be the death of me
Here it comes again
The only leaf left on the tree
And blowing in the wind

Well maybe she's bad for me (Bad for me)
But I don't care to see
'Cause what I want and what I need (What I need)
Are the same to me
In the end
In the end

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Dirty Carl Vol. 22

Here is the Dirty Carl Show Volume #22. As usual, expect the worst.
Is it me or is this shirt suspiciously lacking a gremlin?
Fo' sho!

1. Gang of gin - Babyshambles
2. Yours alone - Dum Dum Girls
3. Peacock and Wing - Fresh & Onlys
4. Strange effect - Hollows
5. Evil is easy - The Intelligence
6. Waste a lot of things - Jaill
7. Cool out - Jeff the Brotherhood
8. A clown gave you a baby - John Wesley Coleman
9. New waves - The Lovely Bad Things
10. Candy for brains - The Mallard
11. See the light - Mujeres
12. Love rules - PENS (Pixies cover)
13. Seeing black - Pow Wows
14. Your love - Reigning Sound
15. I want to live in a house - Ross O' Donovan (Starstruck OST)
16. Easy rider - Ty Segall & White Fence
17. I'm laughing at you - The Gardenias
18. Trouble - Compulsive Gamblers
19. Anny Lou - Demons Claws
20. That was dope - The Bikes
21. Baby, you're totally crazy - The Memories

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

4th of July yum!

I am in the process of figuring out what I'd like to eat. So far it's only been cigarettes and whiskey. I'm not sure what food will suit me today. I will say that my neighbor is cooking tons of carne asada and the smell is driving me crazy in the best possible way. 


Happy Independence Day to everyone who celebrates it. I'm pretty sure that most folks are smiling today and gathered around BBQ pits with friends and family. I'm aware that there are approximately seven hundered and fifty thousand drunken uncles that will do something off putting on this day more than other day of the year. Not me.

I will spend the day washing my hands and heart of everything that makes it feel less than sparkly. And why not? There isn't any sense in being dirty (unless she asks for it) and besides, the heart, like an engine, cannot run as intended if it gets too much build up in and around its movable parts. Keep it clean string bean.

I will say one thing though... I'm really put off by how many times I get close to feeling like I finally reach bliss only to discover that I've been standing in a mud puddle. It sucks pretty bad to continuously be back at square one, (is this board game rigged?) but I guess practice makes perfect, right?

I'm also convinced that it's timing that is really the enemy of love and happiness. It isn't me. However, it's easy to start blaming yourself and sometimes it is appropriate to do so, but lately it's just timing. I mean, am I a fool for wanting to spend my time loving someone or am I a fool for wanting to love people who are in less than perfect emotional states? I'll go with the latter.

So, while I'm busy being forced to gather my tools at the drawing board, I hope the rest of you are rocking and rolling and hugging and kissing and laughing and drinking and dancing your little hearts out today! Have fun. I mean it. Also, there's no watermelon like free watermelon... just don't forget to spit out the seeds, ya dig?

Dirty Carl # 22 happens later on today. Stay dutifully tuned you beautiful goons.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Jack White doing Jack White whether we approve or not.

I had my dream
I held your hand
On that broad avenue
We crossed the road
And never spoke
To another as we flew
We left your man
Alone in drag
Laughing there at us
A romantic bust
A blunder turned
Explosive blunderbuss

An ancient grand hotel of Persian thread and ivory
And when your man would turn his head I’d see you look at me
Pools of brown and sea of red
And demons in your pocket
That same romance
Performed a dance
Inside your silver locket

Da da da da
Da da da da

A corner exit not tall enough
To walk out standing straight
Designed by men so ladies
Would have to lean back in their gait
You grabbed my arm and left with me
But you were not allowed to
You took me to a public place
To quietly blend into
Such a trick pretending not to be
Doing what you want to do
But seems like everybody does this
Every waking moment

I laid you down and touched you
Like the two of us both needed
Safe to say that others might not
Approve of this and pleaded
“So selfish them” would be their cry
And who’d be brave to argue?
Doin' what you people need
Is never on the menu

Da da da da
Da da da da

Pixies - Doolittle

In April of 1989, The Pixies released Doolittle, their second record. As expected... people flipped their fuckin' wigs because it was a really, really good album. It's 2012 and since I have the brain matter to understand that there are people much younger than I, I want to bring this record to them as well. As a side effect these young folks may venture out to a record store and pick up a vinyl copy of this. My fingers are crossed... unlike your girlfriends legs, which are spread lovingly in some sort of mating display in my honor. Yeah!

On a side note... there's a nice lady I'd like to bang while this record skips in the background.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Smiths - Demos (that are pretty rad)

My kitty cats... I'd like to share this in case you might have missed this unofficial release. I'm pretty sure I don't need to say much about this collection of tunes except for maybe that upon placing it upon my turn table, pretty girls like to sing along to it. Really... is there better? Probably not.

And with an awkward segue having nothing to do with English lads....
I fucking love Rodney Dangerfield. Why is he dead? Couldn't select folks just be around forever? There are barely any cool old dudes left. Except for my neighbor Dean. He's awesome. I'm sure he'll make an appearance on this blog in the form of a photoshoot. I'm waiting for the right pistols because he is forbidden from being photographed without holding one. Also, I'm trying to persuade him to get a huge chest tattoo.

Rodney Dangerfield: "My mother never breast fed me as a child... she said she only liked me as a friend."
If anyone sends me this album I'll send you a picture containing nudity. Or... maybe just some coupons or some shit.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Today's yum!

Officially hungry. Heading to Subway for a spicy Italian.

PP&M: See what tomorrow brings.

Click here for better scones.
I was turned onto this particular record by a 6 foot, ukelele 
playing former model. The lyrics below are from my favorite 
song on it. Simple shit so don't fuck it up, dildo breath.

You know it's hard to love another man's girlfriend
You can't see her when you want to
You gotta see her when you can
We may be fighting a losin' battle
But havin' a lotta fun tryin' to win.

I thought it over from these points of view
One way love ain't no good for two.
We may be fighting a losin' battle
But havin' a lotta fun tryin' to win.

Here's my confession baby, I want you to take heed
From this day on darlin' you can do anything you please.

I asked my baby should I go away
Your man wants me to leave
Do you want me to stay? 
We may be fighting a losin' battle
But havin' a lotta fun tryin' to win.

Here's my confession baby, I want you to take heed
From this day on baby you can do anything you please.

I asked my baby should I go away
Your man wants me to leave
Do you want me to stay? 
We may be fighting a losin' battle
But havin' a lotta fun tryin' to win.

We may be fighting a losin' battle
But havin' a lotta fun tryin' to win.
We may be fighting a losin' battle
But havin' a wonderful time, wish you were here!

The heart is magic/ tragic.

If there's anything I will never understand, it's why the human heart is so insane? I mean, one second you could have a machete in your hands hacking your way through a train station and not giving a fuck about whose Aunt is laying on the ground in a sputtering, wet mess or what clergyman will have to return to his flock missing two of his fingers because he really, really assumed that a hand made of flesh and bone was an adequate shield against a finely sharpened two foot blade.

However, the next minute the human heart is sitting on a leaky canoe heading toward the falls. It knows it won't be able to fight the force of the water, but yet it still beats as if it has even the slightest chance in Hell. It tells itself that it will make it and once it hits the calmer parts of the river everything will be fine and then it'll be able to sit with its amazed friends and retell the story dozens of times over a few rounds of microbrews. Everyone will most certainly laugh and a good time will definitely be had by all in the room.

Do you remember your teenage years when you had a pretty intense crush on someone, but for some reason you couldn't figure out, they didn't feel the same way about you? On the flip side, maybe you were the apple of someones eye, but you had no interest in them? That's real pain that the beholder tends to feel. You've known it, your sister has known it, your mom has known it at some point. We all know it, but we all do the same thing... we try to focus our minds on happier things or mindless distractions or meaningless flings. Real, excruciating pain and the attempted avoidance of it makes this happen. Some have described this particular feeling as a knife going through their heart. Others have said their heart felt like it was crushed beneath the weight of a tank. Either way, no matter what words are chosen, it all boils down to the same feelings: despair, lonliness, and becoming self critical. Nobody likes this. Nobody wants this, but settling for sadness is some sort of wicked phase that is as normal as learning to ride a bike or finally beating the end level boss and getting the high score. It has to happen and happen it will.

My friends, if I can call you that... we all have these stupid beaters in our chests and we'll all get ours fucked up into oblivion at some point. There's no avoiding it, so don't try. I mean, there are some people in the world that never seem to be heartbroken. If one relationship goes south, they readily attract a new admirer to fawn over them and keep that beating heart as numb as it could possibly be without stopping entirely. They replace any heart functions with physical pleasures. "Ooh... put it in my ass now, yeah." Those folks are what I refer to as empty shells and it don't matter if you're packin' a penis or pussy. If you're an empty shell, trust me when I say that I know you're full of shit. I know that you absoloutely have to numb yourself to stay sane, but when you finally do break... I'm sure all nearby low laying towns will have to evacuate to avoid drowning in your stupid tears.

Me? I'm canoe bound all the way. I get attached to the feeling of love and the feeling of knowing that there's somebody that gives a shit about you and just wants to hug and squeeze you until you pop. If given the choice of endless money or endless love... I'd blow up every bank in the city and hold the hand of my lady while we laugh at how high the flames travel. I'm happy with one true person. (She can't be too fat either)

There are variations of folks like me. The one that most readily comes to mind is the person who is mad at the one they love and in a single, poorly planned moment, jeapordize their romance and have an affair. I have a few thoughts on this behavior, but the only one I feel like mentioning is that if you are involved in a relationship and you seek pleasure outside of it, then it's time to place the old romance in a bag and leave it at the curb awaiting pick up. I was married for a very long time and contrary to the belief of my ex wife, I was faithful to a fault. I should have acted upon so many sexy invitations, but I didn't because I'm either an idiot or a good man. The jury is still out on that one. Anyway, what happens if you do decide to cheat? What happens if the person you've innappropriately laid with wants to spend more time with you? What if you dream of spending more time with that person? What if you sit around and replay that one special night over and over in your head? What if you look at your lover and want to tell him or her that you've cheated because you're racked with ten million pounds of guilt? Should you tell them? I say no because it could only do more harm than good. It doesn't "clear the air" or "start a clean slate" no way, that type of talk is for assholes. Confessionals only serve to reinforce suspicions forever, make pure moments awkward, and create the possibility of losing the one you love (but if you actually loved that person, why cheat in the first place?)

Well, that's all for me right now. I'm going to relax in my empty nest and give my bottle of tequila a warm hug before I become vampiric and suck its blood until it becomes... an empty shell. Thanks for listening.

Monday, June 11, 2012

White Stripes Breakup Video LOL

This shit is strictly for the fans, but it's kinda funny.

And as a pretty good bonus... Eric Burden and The Animals: I know this song has been played to death, but there is very good reason for it, don't you agree?

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Tonight's yum!

All of a sudden I'm feeling hungry.

Dirty Carl Show Vol. 21

Click here to grow your own Morrissey.
Dirty Carl Show Volume # 21

Well, well... look what we have here? I knew you all couldn't stay away for long. Not because I'm nice or friendly or handsome... just because you were curious to see how an eagle could fly so high or how a train could wreck so bad (it depends on who's looking, you know?)

My friends... today is a special night. No, it's not my birthday or the specified date of the apocalypse... it's Dirty Carl Volume # 21 night and I didn't feel like rockin' my ass off. Well, I did, but not in the traditional sense. Tonight I relaxed and got my fill of indie pop while listening to a mixture of airplanes, Spanish language, and laughter right outside of my bedroom window. It was a treat to hear life happening.

If I can say anything tonight... it's that if you are disenchanted with your lover, leave that person at once. You deserve to feel amazing and if loving him or her seems like too much work it truly isn't what you need. Your heart is supposed to feel full of joy, not doubt. Also, you deserve someone who wants to nibble you into oblivion. Ask around... life's too short.

Okay then... enjoy!

Ladies... I'm good with your bodies. Just sayin'... 

1. Tim Cohen - Wonderful life
2. Albert Hammond Jr. - Call an ambulance
3. Magic Kids - Cry with me baby
4. Agent Ribbons - Chelsea, let's go join the circus
5. Allo Darlin' - The letter
6. Camera Obscura - French Navy
7. Hollows - V is for vulture
8. The Intelligence - Little town flirt
9. Hospitality - Friends of friends
10. Essex Green - Mrs. Bean
11. Wreckless Eric - I want to be your happiness
12. Them - Somethin' you got
13. The Raindrops - That boy is messin' up my mind
14. Darwin Deez - Radar detector
15. Jeffrey Novak - Untitled 1
16. Peter, Paul, and Mary - On a desert island dreaming of you
17. Belle & Sebastian - Dear catastrophe waitress
18. Aislers Set - Hey lover
19. Jaqueline Blanchard  - Strange new world
20. A dirty that you used to Carl - Interlude
21. Johnny Rebel - Coon Town
22. The Just Joans - Five bottles of beer


Jeffrey Novak of Cheap Time from a while back. Damn!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Dead Ghosts.

Click here for a lock of that James Brown hair.

If you don't have this record you cannot honestly tell anyone that you like Rock N' Roll. Nuff' said.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Five years of Oh,Robot. Really?

Two days ago, on May 23rd, this blog celebrated its 5 year anniversary. I failed to recognize the milestone because as robots are known to do... I was celebrating something entirely different.

I was celebrating zombies, whiskey, and cigarettes because that's all I have at this very moment. However, the zombies are getting a little restless and hungry. I just don't know what to do with them exactly. Their food isn't particularly easy to get and if I just up and let them loose, I'm not sure if I can get them all back. I've been slacking with getting them microchipped. I know... I'm an irresponsible pet owner.

Anyway, gang... I hope you all enjoy what I do and sincerely hope that I get to do this for another five years.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Thee Dirty Carl Show # 20 (You might have to drive home, but I hope not)

Click here because Leslie Neilsen commands you to.

Obligatory Statement:

This shit will rock your fucking socks off of your feet.

Regular statement:

Hey guys and gals, it's me again. Don't worry... I'm not mad that I wasn't invited to your birthday party last week. The folks at that restaurant don't particularly dig me anyway. For some reason unknown to me, eateries shun people pulling out spay cans and drawing large scale robots on their walls. Go figure?

This is the Dirty Carl Show Volume twenty. This means I've done this more than nineteen times. Math... it's only important when your counting. Yeah...

The internet isn't the devils playground musically so much these days, but we'll manage. Wait... actually, it still is. I just wanted to seem empathetic for a change.

Do me a favor, will ya? Play this at that moment where the squares have all gone home and the super duty motherfuckers are left in the room with their like minded cohorts. Somebody's gonna puke, I'm sure. 

1. The Feeling Of Love - I could be better than you
2. Cococoma - Messenger
3. Thee Oh Sees - Wrong idea
4. Pow Wows - I love my Goldifox
5. Blasted Canyons - Ice Cream man
6. Ty Segall - Johnny
7. The Mallard - Iggy Pop
8. Demons Claws - All three eyes
9. Fidlar - No waves
10. Bleeding Knees Club - Lipstick
11. Oblivians - No butter for my bread
12. Tyvek - Outer limits
13. Total Control - Rogue abortion
14. Ahlah La's - Catamaran
15. The Paperhead - Stacey Grove
16. White Fence - Latch Keys
17. Fresh & Onlys - I would not know the devil
18. Reigning Sound - Call me
19. The Beets - Now I live
20. Dinosaur Jr. - Feel the pain
21. Diamond Rugs - Totally lonely
22. Mastabeta - Lies and deception
23. Adam Green - What a waster

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Puberty - Parties

Side project of The Intelligence.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Good people

Here I am with my daughters. If I could do anything today... I would destroy liars. Then, when I was done I'd take these two girls out for a jam packed day of awesome!

We're a happy family. I cannot honestly say why we are not a unit right now because the reasons I was given are such fabrication that they make as much sense as a blind dude saying "see you tomorrow!"

While I'm at it... it makes less sense than a deaf guy saying "I hear that!"
or a severed head complaining about leg cramps
or Richard Simmons stealing my girl
or Ronald McDonald giving up make up
or Jack White's duet with Alicia Keys
or those clear whore shoes that "sexy" chicks wear. Yuck.

I could do this all damn day.

Dads: Keep fighting. You'll see it'll all work out for you. Patience is key.

Video time!

Mastabeta - Good Idea

Alex Turner - Love is a laser quest

Gene Vincent - Spaceship to Mars

Louis CK - Saddest handjob

Latest build: Lt. Uhura

63' Mercier Limited Edition Kilo TT (fixed gear)
Brooks B-17 saddle with matching bar tape
Thick Slick Tires
There was supposed to be a set of the wood grain Velocity Deep V rims, but the budget couldn't handle it.
My client assusred me he's saving up for them as we speak.

He has named it Lt. Uhura

Monday, April 30, 2012

I call this one "Monster Advance"

I wish the lies would cease. Then I could fall asleep and dream about nice things for a change.

The Dirty Carl Show Vol.19 (Upstart girls: The Parisian edition)

Click here to buy Kimya a bike.
Click it douche burger :)

Yeah! (sorry, I thought I'd start this post on an unusually positive and excited note.)

Did you hear? Rick Astley died today. Sad. Anyway, here is the latest Dirty Carl Show for you beautiful goons. I barely recall making it, but that don't mean shit.

All you have to do is press play and act like yourself. Easy peasy my main motherfraggers! Just do it.

By the way Rick Astley is alive and well. We had an hour long phone conversation today and he expressed the following:

"I Never have I hated my life so fucking much.
I'm gonna have to make some changes.
I'd give the shirt off of my back to a friend, but no one would do it for me.
Fuck you! It's what I say to my so called friends.
I'm up, but I'd rather be asleep. It's so late right now. London's dreary...
I'll never leave though. I'm here forever, I guess.
I'm gonna really try to make it all right with God... and my mum.
Some say I'm a one hit wonder, but I have other songs, you know?
Shit... goodbye to fame if I can't write one more hit. I hope I can.
I'll never be able to top the big one, you know? I'll try halfheartedly...
I'm gonna go to the studio first thing tomorrow.
It'll turn around, won't it Carl?
I'm around... I haven't gone away or anything like that. I've been here.
Me and my cats. That's all I have to show after this whole ridiculous ride...
I hurt. Really badly. I'm so lonely.
Are you even listening??!!"

At that point I grew really sleepy so I told him we'd talk tomorrow. He didn't take it well.

Enjoy the Dirty Carl Show Volume # 19 (and your Rick Roll)

This wasn't my idea, but I liked it enough to make my own salad from it :)

Here I am...

*Tracklist upon request.

Happiness is a warm...

How to Pick Your Right Girl

She is attractive, of course, but is that her chief asset? (Try to imagine her ten years from today.)
Do you want her because she is popular–because other men have wanted her? (Don’t be a copy-cat!)
Could you spend seven consecutive evenings in her company without being bored? (If the answer is affirmative, it is a good sign.)
Do you have similar tastes in most things?
Is she a good sport?
Is she reasonably healthy?
Is she a flirt? Does she make you jealous? (Decide whether you can stand the strain; your jealously will persist until you grow indifferent.)
Are you constantly irritated by some small mannerism of hers? (You can’t be terribly in love.)
Does she tell lies? Do you mind?
Is she a nag?
Is she quarrelsome? (The Bible warns, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”)
Is she hard on other people? (Don’t judge by her behavior to you.)
Is she trying to reform you? How do you feel about being reformed?
Has she tried to boss you? (Maybe you need a boss.)
Would she put up with all your faults if she knew them?
When you quarrel, who capitulates first? (A combination of two stubborn mules is bad.)
Do you agree on children, or a career, or both? (Better settle this beforehand.)
Does she expect you to support her in a definite style? Could you count on her cooperation in hard times? Would she go to work if necessary?
Will she help you get ahead? Or will she pull you away from your work?
Can she handle money?
If you marry her, will you also be marrying her family?
Does she let you get around to see your old pals? (If you have been too infatuated to notice, make it a point of finding out.)
Are you proud to present her to your friends? (If not, reconsider.)
Do you hope to reform her? (Give up the idea. People change, but not according to plan.)
Do you know her faults? Are you willing to live with them?
Do you still think her perfect? (You’re wrong, of course, but marry!)

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Down in the valley...

Like anything that breathes on this planet, I want to be loved. Now, I'm not particularly dying on the inside or anything, but it would be really nice if someone wanted to hold my hand.

I was told that I'm unlovable today. It wasn't in those exact words, but I caught the drift. It kind of hurt, but I try to respect the opinions of others. It was said because I have a deep rooted pain I guess. Duh!

This particular opinion made me think a little and for a second I actually questioned myself and my state of being for a moment before arriving at the conclusion that it was one opinion and it shouldn't matter. Life goes on, right?

But then something struck a chord within... I thought about the old saying the businesses basically live by:

"For every one vocal complaint, there are ten silent ones"

Then, for about 38 seconds I was swimming in this vortex of worry. Thankfully I remembered that I didn't give a shit and I returned to being whatever it is I am.

The fact is that I have taken a whole bag of emotional hits over the past few years and the attack has been pretty relentless. I'm not depressed about it because I'm no stranger to adversity. My whole life has been peppered with war. The trick is that you just have to enjoy the pepper... on everything. That's how you keep sane.

Now, don't assume that I'm some sort of Lorenzo Llamas who rides a motorcycle alone and drifts across the United States without romance or companionship. I don't ride a motorcycle, but I tend to drift without any real romantic connections and that's kind of a bummer, but hey... what can I do?

I guess that like everything else... maybe good things do come to those who wait. I hope that I don't have to wait around too long. I'm not a youngster anymore. When I wake up... I creak... I rattle... and then I get rolling... slowly.

That said... I'm a loveable guy.

After my failed marriage I swore off women for a while, but then I met someone who was pretty great. She was a gem, but she wanted more than I could give and so did I. I wanted a live in lover. I wanted an unofficial marriage. She wanted kids. She wanted a real marriage. Boy, were we at at an impasse, but we gave it a go anyway.

I'm not sure if it failed. I'm not sure if we're supposed to celebrate. All I know is that right now I'm sitting here drinking coffee and I wish that my lips were touching something besides this coffee cup. Now, I'm not saying I make bad coffee... I'm just a little lonely today.

Dirty Carl Vol. 19 is almost ready and it should be up by this evening when most of you fools are asleep. I hope you all enjoy what I do. I do it all for you.