Sunday, June 14, 2009

Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin: France 1969

Click here for penguin repellant and your binoculars back

I'm currently reading a fantastic book called "Youth in Revolt." It's about a teenaged kid named Nick Twisp. In the book he falls hard for a fancy pants little chick by the name of Sheeni. He meets her while on an unwanted trip to Ukiah, California with his mother and her trucker boyfriend. The boyfriend, being kind of a louse, puts up the family in a trailer park run by religious fanatics. While there, Nick meets the girl of his dreams and is taken by not only her beauty, but by her femininity and her propensity to use really big words. Personally, I think she's quite the little selfish cunt and if you've read the book you might agree. Anyway, Sheeni has a pretty hardcore fascination with all things French. She's also sexually experienced. This album is dedicated to them simply because I've been spending a lot of time with them lately. That is when I'm not hanging around a huge bottle of Gin. I don't know... it's a toss up.

This album, also known as "Je t'aime... moi non plus" was released in 1969 by real life lovers Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin. I don't have a clue what the hell they're singing/ talking about, but I'm guessing it's mostly about sex. I know a couple of Frenchmen that could translate it all for me, but instead I'll just cluelessly enjoy the total sound of it all. If you're not familiar with the sounds of France's swingin' sixties, here is a fine place to start. The first time I bought this album it was about 1996 and I was walking around downtown Manhattan smoking Gauloises. Man, I can be so fucking pretentious sometimes... there was even a period where I sat in a little cafe and ate nothing but fresh mozzerella  and tomato sandwiches. I used to look out the windows and then spit on them. Ah, I can barely remember all that.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Sebastian's Voodoo

This little thing made me happy, sad, and thirsty all at the same time.

Action with GuilloTEENS!

Click here to leave your lover.

Reigning Sound fans will recognize one of the songs on this record. Jessica Simpson fans will not listen to it at all. That being said, if you're here then it's safe to assume that you know a thing or two about rock n' roll.  

I'm a ramblin' man...

Hello everybody. I know some of you may be wondering what the Hell is going on over there at Oh Robot castle? My last article was an erotic one and you might've been a bit concerned. I can only say that life is possibly the weirdest thing ever and I'm glad to be a part of it. 

That was a little hokey, I know. 

I'm writing this while I'm outside. My legs feel pretty good out here in the midnight chill. It suits me fine. I spend most of my day dressed up like a funeral director, although some tell me I look like a New York Detective from 1978. Usually I'm pretty warm because believe it or not, I'm running around busting the bad guys. I'm also straightening up files and trying not to eat too much crap. I'm a security guard. I hate that term, but I love the work. In fact, just today I got rid of a super, duper cracked out guy. At one point he worked there parking cars, but he just faded away and now he's returned four months later as a highly agitated and jittery drug addict. I originally felt like maybe he might've been there to hurt his old manager, but somehow the situation took a serious turn and the guy sort of implied some sort of romantic connection between the two of them. I listened to the bearded addict forcefully beg to spend a minute with the manager while the manager could barely make eye contact with anyone at the scene.  Anyway, I tossed the guy out with just a couple of words. No hands is a good thing. Safer that way. After all, I am a supermodel.

I'm not really a supermodel, but that's what I tell my wife. She hates it and reminds me that I'm not model material. I'd get mad, but I've got to agree. I'm not the elephant man either. Not that it matters anyway because Lisa Ling's sister ( I didn't know she had one) was just sentenced to twelve years hard labor by a North Korean court. That's pretty harsh considering she didn't go in there with a spiked bat and beat a cab full of orphans to death. To be honest, I don't even know what she and her friend did, but there are people who killed people getting off lighter than that. Ouch. 

The world is crazy isn't it? There are pirates on the high seas, kidnapping people off of their boats and holding them for ransom.  They suck because they aren't even trying to be like the pirates in the days of yore. None of them even care to bring a parrot on a raid. They might have dogs or something. Where the hell are the peg legs? Are we that much smarter than sharks these days? Everybody has still got both of their feet. That's super lame. 

My feet are fine. Thanks for asking.

And speaking of feet... I haven't been riding my bike lately. I just really want to get a new one. It needs to be big, fast, and light. Single gear because I really dig that freewheel sound. The walk home though, it's brutally long and quiet. I live near an alley that looks like every murder in the world should take place at its location. There was even a rat skeleton thrown in for good measure the other day. Authenticity... Thankfully, the reality is that it's actually rather quiet and crime free. The rat was mysteriously gone after the third day. I wondered who or what might've taken it, but for only like, a few seconds, or whatever. Yesterday I saw that some asshole litterbug had dumped about twelve trash bags there. Who the fuck still dumps garbage in alleyways? You can't be out there doing that because litter is where bums grow. They don't need too much sunlight either. Then before you know it you've got yourself a whole yard full of bums and you're wondering why all the trash cans are on fire.

I hope that you got your fill of ramblin' just now...

PS. I really am a supermodel.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I could never be a paperback porn writer...

"He slid his hand under her skirt and felt her warmth against his skin. The touch of his fingers made her close her eyes. She arched her back before meeting his advance with equal pressure. She reached for him. He could feel her fingernails scraping across his shirt, pulling it with desperate hands. It was clear that she had to have him. Their eyes locked and the world around them vanished. All that was left was their bodies crying out for saliva to cool them. With delight she pushed herself backward onto the floor, all the while never losing sight of her lovers gaze. He looked down at the way she moved and felt his penis swelling inside of his jeans. It had to come out. She tugged at his waist and pulled his belt open. His eyes closed and he let out a soft moan as she caressed his bulge. He grabbed her wrist and lay her down softly. He was on top of her. By now his shirt was off and he could feel her perfect breasts kissing his skin. Their lips met, but only long enough for her to hungrily bite his bottom one. As she pulled away he could taste a drop of blood in his mouth. He looked into her eyes again and removed her shirt. Her breasts fell into view and he could barely resist putting his mouth on her wanting nipples. He stared at the glistening sweat that had collected at her cleavage. It was her turn to moan as she ground her hips and pressed her vagina against him. She could feel his bulging vein through the soft cotton of his underwear. She was wet now. He slid further down the bed and lifted her skirt away. There it was... his prize. His eyes widened as he admired her pretty pussy. He spread her thighs further apart and fit himself between them. He took her into his mouth. It tasted as wonderful as he imagined she would. Eagerly his tongue slid around her insides as he dug his face further in. He could feel her juices spilling into his mouth and as he swallowed he became more intense and aggressive. Whereas before he treated her with respect and admiration, he was now finding his animal side and she would not go home without her battle scars on this night. He took a firm hold to her hips and pulled her violently into his excited mouth. With a fistful of his hair she thrusted forward. As she writhed before him he watched her lips part to expose a tongue that would take its turn on that prick of his before he'd be done with her. He turned her onto her stomach and began squeezing her ass. As her flesh rippled through his fingers he could hardly resist the temptation to mount her then and there. She was his to take. In the light he spotted a drop of sweat dripping down the left side of her face as she turned to see what he was going to do to her next. He spread her legs and fit himself between them again. His warm tongue circled her asshole and teased its center with hot, wet dips. She squealed softly as she buried her face into his discarded shirt. It smelled of his cologne. His skilled tongue explored both orifices until he couldn't contain his penis any further. Forcefully, he whipped her around and yanked her skirt off. She in turn grabbed his pecker and guided it into her port. As it made its way through, she dug her nails into the side of his hips and smashed upward into him. They fucked hard until their bodies collapsed in a pile of limbs. Both of them, their organs trembling, and their hearts beating fast, lay there speechless for several minutes. Shortly after... they fell asleep unknowing who would be gone come the morning."

I don't have the slightest clue what possessed me to write that. I was actually going to post a Stiff Little Fingers album and... oh... that's why. Duh.