Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Things I dislike right now.

There are probably too many to list here for now, but here's a smattering. I know, you're reading this and thinking to yourself "Oh, who has time to hate anything? We all need to get along..."

Sorry pussy. If I'm hurting you... I'll call up the W-A-A-A-mbulance and get that slit sewn right up. Okay, done? Let's move on.

1. Bands who are not Rock N' Roll, but claim to be even though they sound like Thrice, Thursday, and all the rest of that garbage. Harsh? Me? You ain't seen nothin yet bitches.

2. Girls. Why girls? Because girls, no matter if they are 'women' still act like assholes. No, I'm not even talking about my ex. I'm just saying... in general they suck. (and by suck I'm not referring to sucking dicks. Haven't you heard? Nice girls don't do that anymore. Awesome.) By the way, watch out for my dripping, honey smothered sarcasm.

3. Meetings. Meetings are for people who like to talk about work instead of actually doing the work. I'm forced to have meetings where I am the speaker and I detest it. How about this? I'll send an email out and you will read that email, which in turn, if you can read... you will carry out the assignment with gusto. The alternative is we can all gather in a room where I picture setting you all on fire instead.

4. Hearts. Why do I even have one? They suck. I know... I know... they pump blood and all that crap. Fine. Hearts... you win.

5. Anxiety/ waiting. Have you seen 500 days of Summer? There's this part where Joseph Bingo Chavez or whatever his name is goes to see Zooey She & Him and they split the screen into reality and expectations. Whoever wrote that may be the greatest mind on Earth. I will soon become the type of person that never expects anything because expectations are heartbreak in a can.

6. Relationships. Actually, I love them and I'd like one. Yoo Hoo...anyone out there looking for a slightly used guy with a mustache? I'm whiskey and cigarette scented if it helps.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Hobo with a shotgun and a lie.

Seriously, I'm addicted to this film. It isn't good. It isn't smart. It's perfect. It fulfills my vigilante dark side. Aw, c'mon... don't look at me that way. We all have a vigilante dark side. Right? I mean... you do, right? Hey... where you going??!!

In other news, I finally got my sex change.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Dirty Carl Show Vol.15

Click here to maim a tyrant

Hey kids! It's been exactly 12 years since we humans thought that all computers and radar technologies would fail, causing us to spiral into a new dark age.

Just like when I'm hanging out with the chicks... nothing happened and we carried about like lemmings anxiously awaiting robotic vacuums and hand held devices that do everything for you and such. How lazy and entitled have we become? Jesus... we can't even drive our vehicles without updating our statuses.

"I'm driving. Have to pee!" Ouch.

Anyway, I'm not sour on any of it because I still 'sweep' up my house, don't facebook, and still have a flip phone that doesn't text. To each their own. Now, I'd like you to have a listen to the Dirty Carl Show Volume # 15. It's a departure from the garage rock and sleazy beats I usually play. This one is perfect for relaxing while you switch on your Roomba and lazily gaze at its hypnotic movements. It also makes a great gift for your girlfriend!

Be advised: This show goes great with mimosas!

1. Allo Darlin' - Silver dollars
2. Cardigans - Plain parade
3. Zee Avi - Darlin' it ain't easy
4. Belle & Sebastian - There's too much love
5. Dirty Carl Break
6. Tennis - Down in the woods
7. Camera Obscura - Honey in the sun
8. Arctic Monkeys - That's where you're wrong
9. Best Coast - When you wake up
10. Girls - Laura
11. Jessica Lea Mayfield - Blue skies
12. The Strokes - Gratisfaction
13. Dirty Carl Break # 2
14. Marine Girls - Dishonesty
15. Tim Cohen - I come alive
16. Agent Ribbons - Ars moriendi
17. Dirty Carl Break # 3