Sunday, April 29, 2012

Down in the valley...

Like anything that breathes on this planet, I want to be loved. Now, I'm not particularly dying on the inside or anything, but it would be really nice if someone wanted to hold my hand.

I was told that I'm unlovable today. It wasn't in those exact words, but I caught the drift. It kind of hurt, but I try to respect the opinions of others. It was said because I have a deep rooted pain I guess. Duh!

This particular opinion made me think a little and for a second I actually questioned myself and my state of being for a moment before arriving at the conclusion that it was one opinion and it shouldn't matter. Life goes on, right?

But then something struck a chord within... I thought about the old saying the businesses basically live by:

"For every one vocal complaint, there are ten silent ones"

Then, for about 38 seconds I was swimming in this vortex of worry. Thankfully I remembered that I didn't give a shit and I returned to being whatever it is I am.

The fact is that I have taken a whole bag of emotional hits over the past few years and the attack has been pretty relentless. I'm not depressed about it because I'm no stranger to adversity. My whole life has been peppered with war. The trick is that you just have to enjoy the pepper... on everything. That's how you keep sane.

Now, don't assume that I'm some sort of Lorenzo Llamas who rides a motorcycle alone and drifts across the United States without romance or companionship. I don't ride a motorcycle, but I tend to drift without any real romantic connections and that's kind of a bummer, but hey... what can I do?

I guess that like everything else... maybe good things do come to those who wait. I hope that I don't have to wait around too long. I'm not a youngster anymore. When I wake up... I creak... I rattle... and then I get rolling... slowly.

That said... I'm a loveable guy.

After my failed marriage I swore off women for a while, but then I met someone who was pretty great. She was a gem, but she wanted more than I could give and so did I. I wanted a live in lover. I wanted an unofficial marriage. She wanted kids. She wanted a real marriage. Boy, were we at at an impasse, but we gave it a go anyway.

I'm not sure if it failed. I'm not sure if we're supposed to celebrate. All I know is that right now I'm sitting here drinking coffee and I wish that my lips were touching something besides this coffee cup. Now, I'm not saying I make bad coffee... I'm just a little lonely today.

Dirty Carl Vol. 19 is almost ready and it should be up by this evening when most of you fools are asleep. I hope you all enjoy what I do. I do it all for you.

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