Tuesday, February 28, 2012

What manner of beast is this?

Right off the bat I'm going to mention that this will not be a post where you collect some random music album. Still there? Okay, good.

I actually don't know what I'd like to talk about, but I feel the need to rant about something. Maybe I should talk about the war? Nah. It's over anyway, right? If it is like the news tells me, then by golly, America is thee worst war ender I've ever seen. I'll shut up right there because this is the internet and we all know what happens when someone who doesn't know too much about politics makes a statement, right? That person gets trolled so hard he may end up with a bag full of rick rolls, a smattering of cats, and an unwanted membership to adult friend finder. No thanks kiddies. I'll shut my pie hole right the fuck up.

It's been a lame day. I spent it largely alone and mostly pacing around my place. No, I'm not crazy... just stressed. I'm not pulling out my hair or anything like that, don't fret. I've got good hair. My imaginary hairdresser tells me so every day.

Okay, I've got it. Here's what I'll rant about... ladies of the world, listen up:

Getting a clue isn't what it was in the days of pulp novels and episodes of Young Sherlock Holmes anymore. These days things are far more subtle. You need to be in tune (if you even care) and have to watch for the little things. After all mademoiselles, the devil is in the details, ain't that right Beelzebub?

Pay attention! This may save your life or the meaningless life of someone you may already know.

Today I was off from work and the ladies I know seemingly conspired to lame up at the same time as sort of some "get lame" campaign. Yeah, I shouldn't get too much into it because it'll do no good at all, but who the heck cares so long as I keep moving.

*I'm currently locked in a meat freezer. If I don't keep moving, I'll die. I've already done six push ups and I'm no warmer than when I tried to touch my nose with my tongue for two hours.

Today I was bored and I let the world know it. Yeah, I was definitely fishing for a good time, but it seemed that I couldn't get a bite to my line. So, instead of getting outdoors to find some good times of my own, I tackled a few things that before going into them, I knew they would sour me. You know the saying... don't put off today what will make you feel like setting fire to a jailhouse tomorrow or something like that.

Anyway, I decided to take on some bills and call a few companies. Most of you are probably like "Wait. all adults have to do that. Jeez."

Well douche bags, I didn't have to do it because I once had a wife who did all of it for me and like an idiot, I let her. For some strange reason I brought home money and let her distribute it as needed. I never asked questions. Fast forward ten years later, and that's ten years without knowing what the hell I was even paying for, I am retaking charge of my existence. Before marriage I handled crap like this with ease, but after not practicing for a decade, the old boy got a bit rusty.

Naturally it was a pain in the ass. My internet wasn't working, the gas company was double billing me, and I have no idea how much I owe medically. Let's just say that being reintroduced to my own life feels like I was having drinks in my living room, passed out and awoke upon a boat full of Cantonese sailors. Not only did I not speak the language, I couldn't stand the smell. (Not sure what that even meant.)

After a six hour bout of customer service and technical support calls I think I may have gotten my hands on the reigns again. Now my friends... I'm going to end this post because my old friend "cheap ass whiskey" just texted me.

I think we'll sleep together tonight. :)

1 comment:

The Smiling Mommy said...

Would you believe me if I said I can totally relate? I mean all of my lady hooded-ness and all totally gets what you just said. Why? Oh hush I know you didn't ask me why silly head, I'm just going to tell you because you can't really tell me to shut up when I'm leaving a comment! YAY ME! No really, I relate to the just woke up and started living MY LIFE FOR ME and holy shit warhol there were things that happened that I had no clue did, and now what? The shovel is not big enough that's what! It's a slow crawl for me right now, and it sucks, and I do the thing when I'm bored, where I let my mind go wandering on the what if I had done this, yeah yeah I know, that's no good for anyone. Well, here I am world, and I refuse to over pay, under-recieve and live vicariously through someone else one more second. This is MY life, and I'm taking it back! So good for you, that you are doing it now. No matter how you got there, all that matters is you are here now, and you have learned something along the way? Right? Hope you got out of the meat locker before you froze completely! Smile!!