The first thing I'd like to say here is THANK YOU to the band for putting on a bunch of great shows while they were out here on the west coast. The second thing I'd like to say will be directed toward the Roxy up on the Sunset Strip...
What an icon you are! I mean, the legendary Roxy venue... jeez! Some of the most famous (bad and good) bands got their starts on your stage. You were there at the height of hair metal for chrissakes! Not to mention the big names like Neil Young, Springsteen, and Bowie. You are part of the lexicon man! Heck, a few years ago I drank a bunch of your liquor and saw the Kings of Leon there. It was a great show and a lot of that had to do with your top notch sound system. And the bar above the venue? You've had some pretty big names up there drinking the night away, spending loads of cash. Being a bartender there must be super lucrative! How much do you guys make a year? Like, a gajillion? I'm kidding. I know that's a made up number. Speaking of made up numbers. When I say eleven, what do you think of? No Roxy, the answer I'm getting at isn't 7-11: the best place for Slurpees... and no, no, no I'm not referring to the amps from Spinal Tap.
Please Roxy... don't be morbid... I don't want to hear about American Airlines flight 11 that crashed into the North tower of the World Trade Center on 9/11.
Okay... since you're a terrible guesser, I'll tell you: eleven is the number that you gave to the band Des Roar in U.S. dollars as payment after their show on February 8th 2009. Imagine their surprise when the place had a decent amount of folks in there who paid $10.00 to get in to see some Rock N' Roll. I reckon they'd probably have made a couple of hundred bucks seeing as I myself saw a few familiar faces in the crowd that paid. Oh, wait... that's right... how could I be so silly? It says it right in your artist contracts that you will keep the entry fee for the first fifty guests and the bands that are playing can keep what ever cash is left after that. That totally makes sense now. Oh crap... there's only one thing that doesn't make sense... why would the other bands playing that night (Spirit Animal, Imagine Dragons, etc) have signed something, but Des Roar wouldn't have? Something's certainly rotten in Denmark... uh, Hollywood.
Sorry Roxy, I don't mean to be a bad daddy, it's just that I feel that you could've been a little cooler to a touring band. I know a lot of people walk in and out of your doors so I'll try to remind you... (cue rippling flashback effect)
At closing time, a tall, handsome chap by the name of Ryan finishes giving his loved ones a hug and heads up to your office where he expects to collect a bit of cash for the silly things a band on the road may need like food, hotels, and alcohol. Once there he is handed $11.00. Then, he is charged $7.00 for parking. Now, I'm not a very good mathematician, but with these kind of numbers... damn. Don't worry though... four bucks is more than enough to sustain a band from New York City. Shit, three thousand miles is a long way, but .0013333333 in U.S. Dollars (or cents) should take care of four musicians mile for mile. Really, it's a buck a person. Totally doable. Well Roxy, thanks for listening.
The last people I wrote to like this (Razorlight) did the right thing. Hopefully you will too. Now, I'm not saying you should invite Razorlight to play over there, but if you do... will you pretty please afford them the same hospitality as you did Des Roar? I mean, it would be totally awesome of you guys if you had a few bouncers grab the dude while he spits and screams about how you guys are rip off artists. It would be even better if the airports in his area were all closed due to a terrific snowstorm and he just happened to be stranded for a few days longer without a place to stay or healthy food to eat. Wait... what am I saying? Four dollars can buy a lot these days. And how could I forget? As you told the guys... "at least they can say that they've played at the Roxy." I guess that's just like meeting God for coffee, huh?
PS. Take a shit or get off the pot... when it comes to Rock N. Roll. Heh heh...
... if they only knew. Sigh...