Hamstache.

Today was a weird one. It was sort of like a good day, but it appeared that it was just wearing a "good day" disguise and it was really a terribly bad day. As I'm sitting here with it all behind me, having a cheap rum and Coke, I'm recalling a few of the things that happened to me...but today I'll share only one.

1. The Ham.

At my job it could be said that it's business as usual. I walk around for hours on end without eating or resting and constantly check my email. However, there are some occasions when I feel weak. When this happens I simply find something to eat. This actually sounds better on paper than in reality because the food that is available to me has the potential to be considered by some as unsafe to eat or simply put: Pink in the middle. It's not always bad, but maybe they need to improve their selection of poultry plants. The crap that's being delivered to my job would probably be better off still alive and making some old lady happy to own it as a pet. Yuck. In light of today's offering of bone-in chicken, which I have begun to affectionately refer to as "Chicken Boneyard" I decided that it would be in my best interests to sit down and have a plain ol' ham n' cheese sandwich to prevent an untimely starvation death. I gobbled it up rather quickly and before I was even done swallowing, I received an urgent radio call that instructed me to get somewhere quickly.

Off I went. It was basically a non-event and I wrapped it up swiftly. After that I walked around and spoke to a few guests. Here's where it gets bad...

Of course, people always want to tell you shit that you don't want to hear, like:

1. "You look tired." - Honestly, I hate that. Fuck you, oh rested looking dick. Some of us work hard.

2. "Gaining weight?" - No asshole, I'm a chameleon and this is what I do when danger lurks nearby. Fuck!

3. "Are you drunk?" - Really? Do you think I'd be drunk at noon? You do? Okay...got me there.


You know what they don't tell you though? Most people, as people have proven, will not tell you when YOU HAVE A FUCKING PIECE OF HAM HANGING OFF YOUR MUSTACHE!!!

It was dangling there like a Christmas ornament. Thanks public at large. Here I am... walking around trying to protect you and there you are... snickering about the pig on my flavor saver.

*Ham not included in above pic.