Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I'm a ramblin' man...

Hello everybody. I know some of you may be wondering what the Hell is going on over there at Oh Robot castle? My last article was an erotic one and you might've been a bit concerned. I can only say that life is possibly the weirdest thing ever and I'm glad to be a part of it. 

That was a little hokey, I know. 

I'm writing this while I'm outside. My legs feel pretty good out here in the midnight chill. It suits me fine. I spend most of my day dressed up like a funeral director, although some tell me I look like a New York Detective from 1978. Usually I'm pretty warm because believe it or not, I'm running around busting the bad guys. I'm also straightening up files and trying not to eat too much crap. I'm a security guard. I hate that term, but I love the work. In fact, just today I got rid of a super, duper cracked out guy. At one point he worked there parking cars, but he just faded away and now he's returned four months later as a highly agitated and jittery drug addict. I originally felt like maybe he might've been there to hurt his old manager, but somehow the situation took a serious turn and the guy sort of implied some sort of romantic connection between the two of them. I listened to the bearded addict forcefully beg to spend a minute with the manager while the manager could barely make eye contact with anyone at the scene.  Anyway, I tossed the guy out with just a couple of words. No hands is a good thing. Safer that way. After all, I am a supermodel.

I'm not really a supermodel, but that's what I tell my wife. She hates it and reminds me that I'm not model material. I'd get mad, but I've got to agree. I'm not the elephant man either. Not that it matters anyway because Lisa Ling's sister ( I didn't know she had one) was just sentenced to twelve years hard labor by a North Korean court. That's pretty harsh considering she didn't go in there with a spiked bat and beat a cab full of orphans to death. To be honest, I don't even know what she and her friend did, but there are people who killed people getting off lighter than that. Ouch. 

The world is crazy isn't it? There are pirates on the high seas, kidnapping people off of their boats and holding them for ransom.  They suck because they aren't even trying to be like the pirates in the days of yore. None of them even care to bring a parrot on a raid. They might have dogs or something. Where the hell are the peg legs? Are we that much smarter than sharks these days? Everybody has still got both of their feet. That's super lame. 

My feet are fine. Thanks for asking.

And speaking of feet... I haven't been riding my bike lately. I just really want to get a new one. It needs to be big, fast, and light. Single gear because I really dig that freewheel sound. The walk home though, it's brutally long and quiet. I live near an alley that looks like every murder in the world should take place at its location. There was even a rat skeleton thrown in for good measure the other day. Authenticity... Thankfully, the reality is that it's actually rather quiet and crime free. The rat was mysteriously gone after the third day. I wondered who or what might've taken it, but for only like, a few seconds, or whatever. Yesterday I saw that some asshole litterbug had dumped about twelve trash bags there. Who the fuck still dumps garbage in alleyways? You can't be out there doing that because litter is where bums grow. They don't need too much sunlight either. Then before you know it you've got yourself a whole yard full of bums and you're wondering why all the trash cans are on fire.

I hope that you got your fill of ramblin' just now...

PS. I really am a supermodel.

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