Sebastian's Voodoo

This little thing made me happy, sad, and thirsty all at the same time.

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Reigning Sound fans will recognize one of the songs on this record. Jessica Simpson fans will not listen to it at all. That being said, if you're here then it's safe to assume that you know a thing or two about rock n' roll.  

I'm a ramblin' man...

Hello everybody. I know some of you may be wondering what the Hell is going on over there at Oh Robot castle? My last article was an erotic one and you might've been a bit concerned. I can only say that life is possibly the weirdest thing ever and I'm glad to be a part of it. 

That was a little hokey, I know. 

I'm writing this while I'm outside. My legs feel pretty good out here in the midnight chill. It suits me fine. I spend most of my day dressed up like a funeral director, although some tell me I look like a New York Detective from 1978. Usually I'm pretty warm because believe it or not, I'm running around busting the bad guys. I'm also straightening up files and trying not to eat too much crap. I'm a security guard. I hate that term, but I love the work. In fact, just today I got rid of a super, duper cracked out guy. At one point he worked there parking cars, but he just faded away and now he's returned four months later as a highly agitated and jittery drug addict. I originally felt like maybe he might've been there to hurt his old manager, but somehow the situation took a serious turn and the guy sort of implied some sort of romantic connection between the two of them. I listened to the bearded addict forcefully beg to spend a minute with the manager while the manager could barely make eye contact with anyone at the scene.  Anyway, I tossed the guy out with just a couple of words. No hands is a good thing. Safer that way. After all, I am a supermodel.

I'm not really a supermodel, but that's what I tell my wife. She hates it and reminds me that I'm not model material. I'd get mad, but I've got to agree. I'm not the elephant man either. Not that it matters anyway because Lisa Ling's sister ( I didn't know she had one) was just sentenced to twelve years hard labor by a North Korean court. That's pretty harsh considering she didn't go in there with a spiked bat and beat a cab full of orphans to death. To be honest, I don't even know what she and her friend did, but there are people who killed people getting off lighter than that. Ouch. 

The world is crazy isn't it? There are pirates on the high seas, kidnapping people off of their boats and holding them for ransom.  They suck because they aren't even trying to be like the pirates in the days of yore. None of them even care to bring a parrot on a raid. They might have dogs or something. Where the hell are the peg legs? Are we that much smarter than sharks these days? Everybody has still got both of their feet. That's super lame. 

My feet are fine. Thanks for asking.

And speaking of feet... I haven't been riding my bike lately. I just really want to get a new one. It needs to be big, fast, and light. Single gear because I really dig that freewheel sound. The walk home though, it's brutally long and quiet. I live near an alley that looks like every murder in the world should take place at its location. There was even a rat skeleton thrown in for good measure the other day. Authenticity... Thankfully, the reality is that it's actually rather quiet and crime free. The rat was mysteriously gone after the third day. I wondered who or what might've taken it, but for only like, a few seconds, or whatever. Yesterday I saw that some asshole litterbug had dumped about twelve trash bags there. Who the fuck still dumps garbage in alleyways? You can't be out there doing that because litter is where bums grow. They don't need too much sunlight either. Then before you know it you've got yourself a whole yard full of bums and you're wondering why all the trash cans are on fire.

I hope that you got your fill of ramblin' just now...

PS. I really am a supermodel.

 

I could never be a paperback porn writer...

"He slid his hand under her skirt and felt her warmth against his skin. The touch of his fingers made her close her eyes. She arched her back before meeting his advance with equal pressure. She reached for him. He could feel her fingernails scraping across his shirt, pulling it with desperate hands. It was clear that she had to have him. Their eyes locked and the world around them vanished. All that was left was their bodies crying out for saliva to cool them. With delight she pushed herself backward onto the floor, all the while never losing sight of her lovers gaze. He looked down at the way she moved and felt his penis swelling inside of his jeans. It had to come out. She tugged at his waist and pulled his belt open. His eyes closed and he let out a soft moan as she caressed his bulge. He grabbed her wrist and lay her down softly. He was on top of her. By now his shirt was off and he could feel her perfect breasts kissing his skin. Their lips met, but only long enough for her to hungrily bite his bottom one. As she pulled away he could taste a drop of blood in his mouth. He looked into her eyes again and removed her shirt. Her breasts fell into view and he could barely resist putting his mouth on her wanting nipples. He stared at the glistening sweat that had collected at her cleavage. It was her turn to moan as she ground her hips and pressed her vagina against him. She could feel his bulging vein through the soft cotton of his underwear. She was wet now. He slid further down the bed and lifted her skirt away. There it was... his prize. His eyes widened as he admired her pretty pussy. He spread her thighs further apart and fit himself between them. He took her into his mouth. It tasted as wonderful as he imagined she would. Eagerly his tongue slid around her insides as he dug his face further in. He could feel her juices spilling into his mouth and as he swallowed he became more intense and aggressive. Whereas before he treated her with respect and admiration, he was now finding his animal side and she would not go home without her battle scars on this night. He took a firm hold to her hips and pulled her violently into his excited mouth. With a fistful of his hair she thrusted forward. As she writhed before him he watched her lips part to expose a tongue that would take its turn on that prick of his before he'd be done with her. He turned her onto her stomach and began squeezing her ass. As her flesh rippled through his fingers he could hardly resist the temptation to mount her then and there. She was his to take. In the light he spotted a drop of sweat dripping down the left side of her face as she turned to see what he was going to do to her next. He spread her legs and fit himself between them again. His warm tongue circled her asshole and teased its center with hot, wet dips. She squealed softly as she buried her face into his discarded shirt. It smelled of his cologne. His skilled tongue explored both orifices until he couldn't contain his penis any further. Forcefully, he whipped her around and yanked her skirt off. She in turn grabbed his pecker and guided it into her port. As it made its way through, she dug her nails into the side of his hips and smashed upward into him. They fucked hard until their bodies collapsed in a pile of limbs. Both of them, their organs trembling, and their hearts beating fast, lay there speechless for several minutes. Shortly after... they fell asleep unknowing who would be gone come the morning."


I don't have the slightest clue what possessed me to write that. I was actually going to post a Stiff Little Fingers album and... oh... that's why. Duh.

Videos of the week!

The Misfits bring the Static Age

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There once was a time when Glenn Danzig could do no wrong. This record is from that time. Enjoy it while pounding beers or arm wrestling a van full of angry jocks. Fuck those dudes, right? What the hell are a bunch of jocks doing driving around at night anyway? Don't they have some sort of "game" in the morning? Shit.

I'm not sure if girls like this record. I mean, of course there are actual girls, with breasts and vaginas, that listen to The misfits, but how about the girls you might actually want to get in the sack with? From my personal experience...none. 100% of the fairer sex who I have met that had this record had their heads shaved or a facial implant that made them look like a crazy, bumpy animal. If there are some fine ladies that dig this, I apologize. Actually... right now ladies aren't popular with me. They are the equivalent of a scurvy ridden sea rat with an infected sore leaking from its belly. Not only that, but out of the sore comes worms... with knives!

I'll be better tomorrow. Maybe. Until then though, I'd like it if you played this album end to end in your van. Oops, I mean the van you just won from arm wrestling those sissy jocks. Man, you'd think they'd have expected someone to stab them while arm wrestling. Sheesh!

Definitely NOT safe for work... or other places.

Necro - White Slavery feat. Ill Bill



Necro's delivery might be a tough pill to swallow for a lot of folks, but there's always been something oddly soothing about it to me.

Stepping outside!

Tonight I am going out drinking. To most, not a big event, but for me...the guy that buys thousands of bottles of booze for home consumption, it's a little out of the ordinary. Hey...that's because I'm too busy. Right. Yeah...

Anyway, I'm about to hop on my trusty steed...or as you may call it, bicycle, to meet my bud for some pounding. If I get into a fight I'm going to blame the other guy. I'm all peace. Unless of course you say something about my dog. I love dogs so don't mess with em!

Update: It's 3:21 am and I just stumbled into my door. Whew! What a night! First of all, my friend never met me, which makes this the 3rd time this week he's stood me up. Now, I know it's not all his fault because there are "other" forces which prevent him from being totally available, but damn....

It worked out cool enough though. I kinda just played the back of the room sucking down Jack & Coke's to my heart's content. It was swell.

The only low point of the night was when this "artist" guy who claimed to also be a "musician" was bothering some girl across from me. It was obvious that she wasn't buyin' what dude was sellin' but in a weird turn of events she told the guy that I was her fiance. Whoa... it was super obvious that she needed a way out and pointed at the first escape hatch she could find.

Anyway, I was glad to help her out, but I also gave her some advice...I let her know that a drunk male who happens to be "hitting" on you should in no way receive any form of touching.... because, and fellas, let's face it... if a girl engaging in conversation with you happens to touch you, men think that's a secret, unsaid invitation to bone. Hey, I didn't make that up.....sheesh. Ladies... you've been warned. If I must reiterate... don't touch guys unless it is intentional... we're all some sort of trouble no matter how you look at it.

I don't know where she went after that, but I'm glad she was able to use me as an escape. Come to think of it... I didn't see that guy anymore either. Hmmmm? I bet they found each other and since alcohol turns brutes to beauties....

Either way, I'm glad I'm home.  I love it there.

Now, take this song from my younger years.... It's Great Britain Hardcore... It's crazy because I was a kid wearing a G.B.H. shirt to school.  This song has always stuck. Hmmm? I wonder why?

And you know what?

It's always good to know the staff ;)

Astro Zombies are serious business.

I've never been to the beach at night, 

nor touched it's glowing waters.

I just felt like saying that.

Music to my ears: Agent Ribbons

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Well, would you look at that...it's Monday night again. I always enjoy Monday nights because I don't have to work on Tuesday. Now, I don't dislike my job...actually, I love being there. It's just that I enjoy gettin' piss drunk and waking up naked on my living room floor much more when I don't have to be anywhere the next day. You dig?

Yeah, I said it...naked. It's a sore sight, but over the years I hear some have enjoyed what that looks like. Personally, I like me better with clothes on, but to each their own, right? I just got chills. Ugh...

Anyway kiddies, I was wandering around the internet looking up when my Scottish cutie pies, Camera Obscura were coming to my area and through the normal six degrees of separation idea, found this band. Agent Ribbons is their name and damn it if these little ladies don't make some of the finest racket I've heard in a while.

If I had to make any comparisons I'd say....um...no, if I had to play the game called "If they mated" I'd say that Agent Ribbons is the child of 2003 White Stripes and Canadian songstress Lullaby Baxter. In other words...good shit.

I got this album the other day and it's been in super duper heavy rotation in the Robot household as well as my Ipod. 

I don't normally do this, but I feel it must be said:

Hey chicken tits, get off of your ass and go buy a physical copy of this album because these girls are making real swell tunes for beautiful goons. If they don't make money, they can't live. If they can't live...well, then I'll die too.

Okay, I won't die, but let's pretend that I'll forever be unable to pronounce the word "pronounce"

...and how bad would that be, huh?

Enjoy Agent Ribbons and their presentation of "On time travel and romance"

*I could be severely incorrect, but something tells me that Little Liza Jane might enjoy this album in full.

Update: She did.